Wonder if anyone reads this blog? Ray said that he reads my blogs. Is he curious enough to read the other blogs too? ut that doesn't matter. He says that I should begin a blog about him. The other day he took me buy surprise. Not complete though. coz i know i'm like that. He said that he wants to know how I feel. How do i tell him that? I'm afraid of my thoughts. I'm afraid of my feelings. They may hurt someone. They just might be misunderstood. Like Shawn. I don't know how I feel with anyone. Ashwin, Ray, Savio now. Savio! What's wrong with him? Why did he tell me about the dream? I mean he keeps looking into my eyes he says. Makes me feel like laughing but at the same time my heart is in a kind off mess. Now i have to block this blog!

How do you feel when you meet someone and he takes you to places you have only imagined? it's in your imagination again. But it seems more real. Yet it gets uneasy. i don't think like that. I am just ...maybe...but there are other things too. Or have I been thinking too much about reality? And then I haven't heard from him. It's another him. Another one who keeps me wondering about things. Maybe it was a mistake. It's not a prudent thing to do. but again those were my thoughts. And I wanted, I still want but have been letting go of hope that maybe he would see. Let's not go there. I was saying, that How do you know when you are actually thinking of something else and you can only see from the corner of your eye. You know that maybe you should pay attention. But then.... what were those words of Mark Twain I heard today? It's not what you don't know that is what is the most dangerous but that what you know for sure. So I'd rather lie in ignorance, dreaming ignorance is bliss. But damnit, Alison why did you have to be such a curious being? Look what you have done. You turned in the direction to get a better look, and see what happened. You have to go closer to see better. And now I want to touch. What material is it? Is it smooth? Is it carved? Is that the actual shape or is is just this glass there that makes it look like that. I need to touch. But no! I'm in a room. It's full of exhibits! But then what if they are not meant only to be looked at. There must have been reason why i was compelled to at least look. And then that sound saying that I need to have a better look. And now the need to touch. I need to go back and see if you have changed shape. I know they have removed certain parts around you. Does that make me see you differently? Maybe there was something obstructing your view. Wondering if it has been removed. But wait let it be. I don't want it removed. Or maybe it has to be. Help...I don't know what I want. Will you help me? I know it won't happen. I don't want them to.

Imagine me! I'm sitting here wearing my coat, ready to step out into the rain. But am going to write a little because I have the time. Now why am I writing here? I don't know. I saw some kids today. On the way to the Lycee there is a maternelle. That is a school for kids from the age of 3 to 5 I think. They must have gone for a sort of field trip or something and were waiting to cross the road with their teachers. There must have been about 15 to 20 kids. Tiny little ones, all so impatient to cross. Our bus waited for them. So I got a good look at them as they skipped across the road all holding hands. The teachers shouting out instructions. Little girls in pink coats and the boys mostly in blue (talk about stereotypes!) Once they were right in the middle of the road invariably at least 5 of them had to drop something or the other- a scarf, or something totally unimportant to the 'adult' mind like a stone! There was this girl who dropped a glove and when she bent to pick it up she dropped her stole, and the teacher telling her to hurry up, so she walked across the road with the stole trailling behind her. And there were those who just couldn't stop talking. Wishpering into each others ears and smiling. They were a joy to watch on a rainy day. Not just the colour they brought to a greay and rainy morning but their innocent and unhurried actions. I's love to take care of little children. I wonder if i'd have the patience. Iwould. I definately would. i would love to answer their simple and complicated questions. Watch them cross the road or simply sit in class listening to me. I'd like to make up stories and tell my children and have them ask questions that I with my 'grown- up mind would never think off. And then think, 'Why did I never think of that?'

Again back here. Just because i can't think of anything happy to write about. Actually lots of stuff to write about. I don't understand why I just sit here watching My Wife and Kids for so long. Hardly chatting or doing anything constructive when yes, there are things to do. For example help Mme Desbois with the novel. If only i could see what they actually expect the students to do. I want to teach English Literature. really. Well like give occasional guest lectures. tell people what i think explain things to them. Actually have a discussion on stuff. I love discussing. Will sleep now. Go away thoughts. go away longings. Go away thoughts of people I miss more than I should. I can't think of you. Can't you see that! It's not right.

Somehow now that I have this new blog, i want to write here more than otherwise. Something to do with a fascination with new things I guess. Don't know exactly why i am writing when i hardly have anytime left. Besides I don't want to miss this bus. Not this time again. Have done that a lot many times already. You know what I should have walked up now. It would have been good. Besides the weather's not that bad. I can walk back from the lycee tomorrow. What say? Let's see. Hadn't previewed coming home with Catherine this evening. It saves a bus ride. Good. What am i turning into. Anyways just 3 months left for this. Oh I need to make accounts. Will anyone read this? I don't want it to be read. Please listen anyone who happens to pass by this side, please look the other way. Ths is how I write in my thought book. Maybe I'll restrict it from people. Ok gotta go now.

The address says alieseternalquestions. But I haven't asked any questions till now. Had a nice day today. Unexpectedly! The things i wanted to do never happened. And that leaves me a little worried. It's like you can't really plan anything in life isn't it? People sometimes just expect too much of you. Or is it that they know you better than you know yourself. I'm always afraid of saying things, lest someone might stumble on this and then they may want to know what i meant. then do I lie? I have to update the other blogs. Wanted to talk about Aly to someone. But then I can't do that can I? It's like expecting too much. It's now my problem I have to think about it mysefl. And then I wanted to call up Ash. And that didn't happen either. I hope he's ok. If i don't love him why would I get so worried abouthim. He would have told me if anything happened, right? Why am I saying this? He never says anything. I have to ask to find out. Why has it got to be me who's asking? Isn't anyone else wondering like me? There they gush out the numerous questions. I wanted to write something funny. Why funny? I'm not disguising my sadness, am I? Sadness. What is it? More like disappointment. What the hell is this I am saying? I know I keep saying that i shouldn't depend on others. She said she feels selfish to cry on my shoulder. but that isn't the problem. isaid that i feel wanted I feel needed. When will I feel like that with a boy? Someone who's more than a friend.

How do you expect me to show you what i fell about you? It's not fait. neither to you nor to him. Yet i can't afford to let you misunderstand. I wish I could be myself. Trapped and looking for new places to go to. Yet hoping the horrid lonliness doesn't follow. But then like a bloody shadow it keeps getting stuck to my heels. I think I've lost it. But then it was only a momentary patch of sunlight. Is it that cold places make you feel the frost more than ever? But here I can afford to show it. What if I go back, step into sunlight and then find that the shadow is now within me?

Not happy with how the blog looks. But now am sleepy. What a ridiculous thing to blog about! But i haven't read any rules on what to write in a blog and what not to. Sleeping now!